crash....not really

its a start for the final week of work before the Raya break. Clothes ironed, sahur taken and i am now waiting to get my shower.

i busted my car a few days ago, two weeks after a motorcycle busted my back bumper. Unvisable torn back bumper and minimal scratch at my front side bumper, but still i will need to fork out a couple of hundreds times two, since both will require a-whole-bumper-paint jobs. Life is wonderful, isn't it? I decided not to give it a wash till...i don't know when. Till its repaired? Naahhhh. Getting it repaired is out of the question for the time being. But i am just so thankful that the damage is not that bad.

show 'em

something happened at work today and it made me so pissed up to the core. I kept reminding myself that its Ramadhan...patience! patience!

I am still at a so-called young age, full of rage, anger and rebelliousness. The devil in me was pushing me with evil thoughts of throwing the paperwork on those villains faces, cursing them, report them to the Head.

that was just the devil in me.

i've break my fast, done with my prayers. i decided to let them off tomorrow. What goes around comes around. And i believe that many things that don't work out for me today, must be because of my past wrong doings. Perhaps i had a wicked childhood. Perhaps i had a miserable youth.

and i'll be seeing my mother tomorrow too. i'll bet she'll say the same thing to me.

frustration

"Leadership is ultimately about creating a way for people
to contribute to making something extraordinary happen."
- Alan Keith

who is Alan Keith. I don't actually know. I googled for some guide about leadership and i came across this. I was lost.

I do not choose to be a leader. I am a poor one. Told my mother that i am a good 'koo-lee' but I cannot lead. She said is was too, in her working days. Maybe it runs in the family, I don't know. It is funny when most of your working experience, all you ever do is to follow or do what you're asked to do, and all these while you thought it applies to everybody else - well, you're wrong. I'm not saying that I am such a competent worker, but hey, I have done what they asked me to and I have done my job. Fulfilling requirements is hard enough (that's work after all) but asking or expecting other people to do the same is completely an insane thing to expect.

I am a poor leader for thinking by pleasing my little organization and doing most of the tasks required could solve things, could solve most of other things. I was wrong. I am not born with more than two hands. Even so, I cannot abandon the ship. I can't possibly do so.

Insane requirements and figures stresses me all the time and I somehow thought I could just suck it up all in. "Don't have to stress others", I would say to myself. But when Hopper comes in, I just couldn't help it. And when pressure hits the boat, Hopper's quote will pop into this puny mind "I see - under new management. So its YOUR fault!"

Its very insecure of me to burst into tears when pressure hits - hey, I am a woman after all. But looking at one of my sailors' tears running down her face...its just devastating. I felt useless. I am a failed leader. Running away will make from failed to worse. So I'll just stand here - looking like a loser.

prediction

when you don't find it amusing to go to work... something is up. Dang!!!!

looking forward

i was always looking forward to go to work. Wake up in the mornings, dressing up, looking forward on what to wear or what not to wear. Getting dressed for work is kind of a therapy for me. i think its a good thing. it portrays the image that you ARE looking forward to get to work. i think people who look sloppy at work, well, it shows that you're a sloppy worker. Just look around your workplace. But i can't deny that there ARE people who are presentable but not so much the 'rajin' type. But at least they have the spirit to get to work...

But somehow lately, i am demotivated. Picking up my kurungs without much effort, less make-up (but its ramadhan anyway) & always stuck with last minute deadlines.

i need a booster.

kidding?

In my younger days, my weight was about 44kg. Well, the number increased gradually. When i start growing at the height of 162cm, my weight went to an extra 3kg. In my twenties, i went up to 50kg. The number stuck there for quite a long time. Yeah, probably it went for like an extra kilo during my hungry days or a kilo less during my my non-lapar days. 2 years ago the number went up 2 kilos and it never goes down. Later, it went up another kilo & i've stopped weighing myself.

4 days ago, i went to see an old friend at a so-called health club for a quicky check-up. Hell crap! i am now a mere 54.8kilos!!! (don't you just hate these digital weighing scales that give you EXACT numbers?) Please, i dont think i have extra 'tyres' on my waist and my backside is even less attractive than normal women (for it doesn't even bounce when i walk). But of course i am not Heidi Klum for that matter (if you know what i mean - being on the runway 2 weeks after delivering a bambino). But that's not the funny part. According to the calculation, i am actually underweight... seriously? i mean, seriously???? by about another 4 kilos!!!

here i am trying to eat less all these years, more lauk than rice, more vege than carbs and yet i am underweight because of my height. So, a supplementary thingy was introduced to add up more 'weight'.

Engorgio!!! If the fake Alastor Moody makes a spider grow larger, is there a spell to make something grow smaller instead? well, still searching though. For the time being, the best spell / potion is get a bicycle. Hey, we have one. So i guess i need to look for a spell to help me ride it :-P

not many

being sensitive and insensitive. a dear friend is school was talking to me yesterday. Being a cancer survivor for more than 10 years, she was expressing how she felt over an incident happened to her recently. It was about another colleague making a remark about her cane. My friend is I guess is permanently walking with a cane after her cancer treatment. i feel that some idiots really need to be advised on what to say or not to say, even sometimes you meant well. but hey, it wont mean well if the person is not even your close friend. A close or good friend will somehow understand that - oh, that's how she's like. But not others. You will just be the plain insensitive person. Out of about 67 colleagues, there is not even half that i could call 'real' friends. Thus, i don't even feel bad about myself for not having many. Mom once told me to just avoid people with 'negative elements'. They tend to lead you to be one.

friends to shop with? nope, i don't have a shopping buddy.
friends to hang out with? nope, i don't hang out.
friends to chat online? nope. On the day the announced the 'Deactivate your FB' day, i participated, and later on activated a new account with my siblings and nieces as my friends. And the friend list extended for a few strangers (online shopping purposes)

and i don't have a hobby. I shop. is that a hobby?

When i get pissed or upset or unhappy or even happy for that matter, the little few & same people are the only people who i will be sharing my thoughts with. With that in mind - dude, sorry for thinking that i own you.

But then again,...no, i'm not sorry.