sting

It is not a question of God allowing or not allowing things to happen. It is part of living. Some things we do to ourselves, other things we do to each other. God knows about every bird which falls to the ground, but God does not always prevent it from falling. What are we to learn from this? That our response to what happens is more important than what happens. Here is a mystery: one man’s experience drives him to curse God, while another man’s identical experience drives him to bless God. Your response to what happens is more important than what happens.
Chip Brogden

A pupil of mine was hit by a car on Thursday. He was on a motorcycle with a neighbour who offered a lift home. They were not wearing helmets. The neighbour had a single cut under the chin. My boy was not so lucky. His head hit the highway divider and his skull was partially damaged. He is 12, the neighbour is 13. I was the first one who arrived at the ER after they took him to the hospital. I wanted to make sure whether he would be alright. The docs let me in. I was there holding his arm, witnessing before he went totally unconscious until today.

I taught him when he was 10. A familiar boy to me for he is in the club that I am in-charge in. That Thursday morning, he participated in the Quran recital. He came in full dressed in Baju Melayu. I bounced into him on his way to the hall, fully dressed with his songkok and the Quran clad in his arms to his chest, wishing me a salam with a happy smile. When I heard that it was him in the accident, that happy image of him came across my mind.

I left the ER after his mother arrived. While I was driving, I felt this some sort of pain inside of me, which I cannot really tell where. And I broke down. I was devastated...and I cannot write anymore.

envy

envy will lead to hatred. That is probably one thing that i can't deny. i try very hard to ignore some idiots, but they manage to somehow crawl into my personal matter. You name it; snakes, witches, bitches, a*******, beasts... i bet everybody hates these people of the same genre. There's one in every family, there's one in every organization, there's one in every community.

And as i pause a moment ago, the mailman came by and dropped me a package. I just open it up...and now all the hatred just melted away. Isn't it easy to make people happy? Some idiots just don't get that.

crash....not really

its a start for the final week of work before the Raya break. Clothes ironed, sahur taken and i am now waiting to get my shower.

i busted my car a few days ago, two weeks after a motorcycle busted my back bumper. Unvisable torn back bumper and minimal scratch at my front side bumper, but still i will need to fork out a couple of hundreds times two, since both will require a-whole-bumper-paint jobs. Life is wonderful, isn't it? I decided not to give it a wash till...i don't know when. Till its repaired? Naahhhh. Getting it repaired is out of the question for the time being. But i am just so thankful that the damage is not that bad.

show 'em

something happened at work today and it made me so pissed up to the core. I kept reminding myself that its Ramadhan...patience! patience!

I am still at a so-called young age, full of rage, anger and rebelliousness. The devil in me was pushing me with evil thoughts of throwing the paperwork on those villains faces, cursing them, report them to the Head.

that was just the devil in me.

i've break my fast, done with my prayers. i decided to let them off tomorrow. What goes around comes around. And i believe that many things that don't work out for me today, must be because of my past wrong doings. Perhaps i had a wicked childhood. Perhaps i had a miserable youth.

and i'll be seeing my mother tomorrow too. i'll bet she'll say the same thing to me.

frustration

"Leadership is ultimately about creating a way for people
to contribute to making something extraordinary happen."
- Alan Keith

who is Alan Keith. I don't actually know. I googled for some guide about leadership and i came across this. I was lost.

I do not choose to be a leader. I am a poor one. Told my mother that i am a good 'koo-lee' but I cannot lead. She said is was too, in her working days. Maybe it runs in the family, I don't know. It is funny when most of your working experience, all you ever do is to follow or do what you're asked to do, and all these while you thought it applies to everybody else - well, you're wrong. I'm not saying that I am such a competent worker, but hey, I have done what they asked me to and I have done my job. Fulfilling requirements is hard enough (that's work after all) but asking or expecting other people to do the same is completely an insane thing to expect.

I am a poor leader for thinking by pleasing my little organization and doing most of the tasks required could solve things, could solve most of other things. I was wrong. I am not born with more than two hands. Even so, I cannot abandon the ship. I can't possibly do so.

Insane requirements and figures stresses me all the time and I somehow thought I could just suck it up all in. "Don't have to stress others", I would say to myself. But when Hopper comes in, I just couldn't help it. And when pressure hits the boat, Hopper's quote will pop into this puny mind "I see - under new management. So its YOUR fault!"

Its very insecure of me to burst into tears when pressure hits - hey, I am a woman after all. But looking at one of my sailors' tears running down her face...its just devastating. I felt useless. I am a failed leader. Running away will make from failed to worse. So I'll just stand here - looking like a loser.

prediction

when you don't find it amusing to go to work... something is up. Dang!!!!

looking forward

i was always looking forward to go to work. Wake up in the mornings, dressing up, looking forward on what to wear or what not to wear. Getting dressed for work is kind of a therapy for me. i think its a good thing. it portrays the image that you ARE looking forward to get to work. i think people who look sloppy at work, well, it shows that you're a sloppy worker. Just look around your workplace. But i can't deny that there ARE people who are presentable but not so much the 'rajin' type. But at least they have the spirit to get to work...

But somehow lately, i am demotivated. Picking up my kurungs without much effort, less make-up (but its ramadhan anyway) & always stuck with last minute deadlines.

i need a booster.

kidding?

In my younger days, my weight was about 44kg. Well, the number increased gradually. When i start growing at the height of 162cm, my weight went to an extra 3kg. In my twenties, i went up to 50kg. The number stuck there for quite a long time. Yeah, probably it went for like an extra kilo during my hungry days or a kilo less during my my non-lapar days. 2 years ago the number went up 2 kilos and it never goes down. Later, it went up another kilo & i've stopped weighing myself.

4 days ago, i went to see an old friend at a so-called health club for a quicky check-up. Hell crap! i am now a mere 54.8kilos!!! (don't you just hate these digital weighing scales that give you EXACT numbers?) Please, i dont think i have extra 'tyres' on my waist and my backside is even less attractive than normal women (for it doesn't even bounce when i walk). But of course i am not Heidi Klum for that matter (if you know what i mean - being on the runway 2 weeks after delivering a bambino). But that's not the funny part. According to the calculation, i am actually underweight... seriously? i mean, seriously???? by about another 4 kilos!!!

here i am trying to eat less all these years, more lauk than rice, more vege than carbs and yet i am underweight because of my height. So, a supplementary thingy was introduced to add up more 'weight'.

Engorgio!!! If the fake Alastor Moody makes a spider grow larger, is there a spell to make something grow smaller instead? well, still searching though. For the time being, the best spell / potion is get a bicycle. Hey, we have one. So i guess i need to look for a spell to help me ride it :-P

not many

being sensitive and insensitive. a dear friend is school was talking to me yesterday. Being a cancer survivor for more than 10 years, she was expressing how she felt over an incident happened to her recently. It was about another colleague making a remark about her cane. My friend is I guess is permanently walking with a cane after her cancer treatment. i feel that some idiots really need to be advised on what to say or not to say, even sometimes you meant well. but hey, it wont mean well if the person is not even your close friend. A close or good friend will somehow understand that - oh, that's how she's like. But not others. You will just be the plain insensitive person. Out of about 67 colleagues, there is not even half that i could call 'real' friends. Thus, i don't even feel bad about myself for not having many. Mom once told me to just avoid people with 'negative elements'. They tend to lead you to be one.

friends to shop with? nope, i don't have a shopping buddy.
friends to hang out with? nope, i don't hang out.
friends to chat online? nope. On the day the announced the 'Deactivate your FB' day, i participated, and later on activated a new account with my siblings and nieces as my friends. And the friend list extended for a few strangers (online shopping purposes)

and i don't have a hobby. I shop. is that a hobby?

When i get pissed or upset or unhappy or even happy for that matter, the little few & same people are the only people who i will be sharing my thoughts with. With that in mind - dude, sorry for thinking that i own you.

But then again,...no, i'm not sorry.

jagger

the official Moves Like Jagger video is finally released!
not my kind of video but whatever it is Mr Levine is hot. Mwahahahaha

watching

i don't particularly enjoy events. Will always find a way / reason not to join in.

let's see... jamuan tahunan? fever... jamuan raye? have to take mother to hospital....
jamuan hari ****? owh..cannot. have to pick up somebody at the airport...

i would spare myself from looking at colleagues rushing for the buffet table like there-wont-be-food-if-you-dont-hurry-up. So, obviously i NEVER attend any majlis berbuka puasa in my entire life...Well, maybe once. And what a huge lesson that was.

But a retirement majlis is an exception. This may sound a little cliché but retirement is a one time thing for some people. Its a big thing. A birthday is a birthday, but the final birthday at a workplace is a BIG thing. A farewell is a farewell, a goodbye is a goodbye, but when an employee retires - he is leaving something that he is accustomed to. His routine, his coffee breaks, little chats in between work... My boss retired a few months ago. Yup, no excuse. I was there. The unofficial photographer with a hand-me-down D40 tried hard to make myself looking busy through out the event. Not exactly a memorable one. I just remembered the rest of us had to dress up alike. Shutter clicking all the way from morning till noon. Got him a book - Ustaz Zahazan's Hadis 40 Imam Nawawi. I was pretty sure it was a good choice; pocket sized, clear font, beautifully illustrated. So that's that.

Today, a colleague retires. A dear, dear lady who sits a few tables away from me.

The unofficial photographer again because no one else brought a camera (really?). It was supposedly just another event - speeches, gifts & etc (oh, i got her a lovely customised crystal tasbih & two Ustaz Zahazan's books - clad nicely in a small little decorative trunk). The uneasiness started when i was ready for some shots before her send-off. When she was signing the attendance book for one last time, tears ran down her face...And at that moment, mine were too. And i dont enjoy the rest of the day anymore.

I gave her two good hugs!! Real good & tight ones! i hate goodbyes & farewells! Gosh! I'm gonna miss her. Watching someone else taking over her table soon will be awful.

Budak-budak! I'm going to make you watch Hachiko after the exam. Goodbye is also the hardest word to say jugak, you know.

Can't wait...

I ordered some books a few weeks ago.

Just received a conformation email that my books are on their way! Suddenly the weekend is taking a longer time to end this time :-P

Behold!!!!!

Don't you just LOVE fiction? They don't make you worry.